Ps: I’m not talking about the real drug and addiction, just keep reading, and you will understand
PART 1
It was a beautiful haze that filled my consciousness. Everyone warned me to get it off and to be careful because I was walking too far into the forest, thinking it led to the castle. But who cares? The haze tastes like ecstasy. However, drugs are never a good option, they make you high and forget your purpose, and the moment the effect fades away you hit rock bottom.
I indeed never paid attention in Biology class, to how our body produces various hormones in a certain condition, and how a little trigger from something we adore can havoc on our emotions. I want to be perfect, and I always assumed that perfection would result in perfect feedback. I was too naive to believe that science was the only variable in human existence and that everyone’s actions and reactions would be the same, ignoring other elements like social experience, environment, responsibilities, and nefarious things that screwed up your mind in the long term.
My everyday activities have included working out, eating a good diet, writing, and making photography content. But since ecstasy entered this scene, all of my attention has been drawn to it; I’ll try my best every day not only for myself but also because I want the ecstasy to offer me additional extraordinary effects. And it did, but the moment it’s gone, I’m crippled; how can I function without it? Even if I did it for myself in the first place, losing something I used to taste on a regular basis is excruciatingly painful.
I intended to take it easy, but he convinced me that we would chase the future together, and my opportunist brain has been imagining how it would look and how it would feel. I remembered the first time we met, it was such a rush of overwhelmed emotion, we both knew it wasn’t the proper moment to take the pill, but the bliss was insane, we didn’t want to stop, why should we? We both needed it. Let’s give it a shot and see if we can make the euphoric sensation endure forever. But what can we expect from over-stimulated receptor drugs? It will eventually stop working, and it is not healthy; it is toxic.
PART 2
The thing I realized when I was high is I always felt anxious, nervous, insecure, and overthink about silly little things. I’m not sure what happened to me. They said they loved me, but I never felt loved; even when they gave me everything, it was never enough. And for a brief period, I forgot about the euphoria, thinking it was real and the haze was natural. Maybe that’s why I was constantly insecure and overthinking since I attempted to convince myself that if the other person was on fake bliss while my feeling was genuine, it wasn’t altered by drugs.
When the thrill wore off, everything became clear. We had to quit taking pills since they were a burden, wrong, and unfair. And, as much as I wanted to believe we could work together, I knew the conclusion was correct. When I get off the medicine, all my worries like anxiety, insecurity, and overthinking vanish, and I finally feel like myself again, although a broken version of myself.
PART 3
Dealing with addiction is one of the most difficult aspects of detoxing from narcotics. To unlearn the rush of happy hormones that I used to experience on a daily basis. To get rid of the sensation of owning something. To adjust to a new normal without something that was once a part of us.
I talked to a lot of people about it, researching and watching Ted Talk videos to figure out what went wrong and how to adjust to “a new normal.” I concluded that this is the best decision, that someone else’s decision has nothing to do with mine, that it’s their life, not everything about me because I’m not the center of the universe. But the scar remains, and the memories keep returning, adding salt to the wound. So, how do I handle it?
PART 4
Well, I thought it would be easy, but it wasn’t. Before the rain ended, another storm came, and I had to pretend as if I was fine with it, since I can’t be weak, right? I have to act heartless as if I’m not a human being, which I wish I wasn’t. It broke my heart to find out that the other party was addicted to another drug while I was still trying to overcome my own. So it’s not the end for him; he just needs another drug because mine has expired, and he was never into ecstasy in the first place.
I’ll never force somebody to accept me if I’m not their ideal type again because the insecurity was insane, the way I never felt good enough just because I’m a chocolate and will never be a strawberry no matter what I did. And strawberry is his type. And the way I keep overthinking and feeling depressed about things that surprisingly really happen in the future.
Facing the hurtful fact gave me a mental breakdown, I’m so glad that I have my best friends and family beside me, I was pouring all my emotions and questions into them. Understanding my feelings, why I felt that way, where the problem is, what the facts are, what I desire, and how to find the best solution. I have many POVs about the problem and gave myself countless closures about where it went wrong. I finally realized after all this time that we don’t belong together; I need someone who can provide me with security; this person should be more stable than me in every way, and that person is not him.
PART 5
Unlike him, it’s still an ending for me because I realized after a few days that it’s not just about taking the wrong type of drug for the first time, but the effect has paralyzed me, blurring my vision of my true purpose in life, which is never to climb the corporate ladder, not to swap my comfort zone with another hell. So I resolved to devote myself to becoming the woman I always wanted to be. I can’t allow anything to distract my attention any longer; I don’t have much time, so it’s always go big or go home. And, after a few months of a false euphoria effect, I finally feel alive, with a clear mind and clear purpose.
I believed I was finally free of the Euphoric effect, but I wasn’t; deep inside, I still wanted to taste it again, not today, not in the next few months, maybe in a few years. But wishing for that means I’ll never truly recover, so I resolved to cut off all access to the source of my misery in order to heal quickly and never look back. It still stings to recall the false joy that meant everything to me but nothing to him. But whatever, that’s life. One thing is for sure, I have no regret, I gave my all, and whatever the feedback, it has nothing to do with me.
I’d say my life is quite hectic right now; there are just too many things I miss when I’m not myself. There are two months till 2024, and now is the time to get back on track!
For anyone who reads until the end, thank you, and have a good day!
