It was a regular day after work but I felt a weird sensation in my body. I took my towel and did a quick bath. The fever just hit me out of nowhere, my body temperature was increasing and I felt so hungry, I ate a lot of junk food this week, maybe this was the effect. The worst part was I lived alone, I needed to cook the rice and whatever was left in the fridge when I barely could stand up. Glad I made it to my parent’s house, at least there’s food on the table and they took care of me.
Some diseases gave me almost die experience, I suddenly forgot everything, the crypto analysis I needed to make, the crypto trading, the metaverse concept, or the dream that lived in my head for years. I was scrolling through X, some of them were talking about the Politicus daughter who decided to take off her hijab, some talking about Indonesian poor vocabulary, and the rest talking about Queen of Tears the K-drama new episode. Until a random post about people who play tennis in the morning showed up on my timeline. It gave me goosebumps, hope and happiness pouring into my heart, I dont know how to explain but it feels like I got a million dollars.
Another random post is about the second law of thermodynamics: “The state of entropy of the entire universe, as an isolated system, will always increase over time.” I spent hours watching YouTube videos about it. The chaos will always increase, it’s like my mind when I try to win an AI art competition, the calmness inside my head is no longer there because I crave for the victory. The law of attraction told us to keep the vibration high, it will happen when the chaos dissapear, so this competition thingy really messed up my LOA. But we also need intention in everything we do. I found it’s hard to keep aligning with high vibration and clear intention when another energy (from a person or situation) exist.
My typical chaos lately is when the crypto market crashes. It’s common in crypto, but it doesn’t mean it didn’t give me a headache. Yesterday Iran attacked Israel and Bitcoin dropped by 20%, while other altcoins dropped to hell. I know the market will soon recover but I hate the fact that money is still controlling my emotions like a puppet. Money is the hardest thing to detach. I need to do so much inner work to get my mindset right. If we can create reality with our mindset, I need an abundance of energy to flow inside me. However, attachment to money such as the ‘I need to win the competition’ mindset or the ‘How can I have the money if I leave this job’ mindset will never attract money to our lives because it gives off a lack of energy which is not aligned with abundance. Crypto trading also gives me the wrong alignment, I always feel the need to control the result which was usually beyond my control, I panicked because I was afraid to lose money, I kept monitoring the chart and P&L, there was no detachment at all.
To create the reality I need to let it go, detach, and surrender. But as someone who wants to plan and control everything it is not an easy job. The fear of failure has haunted me for years even when I said I have nothing to lose. How many of inner work do I need to do to fix my mindset? I hope I will figure it out soon.
A few weeks ago I decided to stop using Instagram, I wanted to focus on my craft but the real reason was people’s energy had messed up mine in a way I couldn’t handle anymore. It made me feel awful when all I did was only upload stories and look at people’s posts/stories, but apparently, there was energy transfer online which messed up my energy. The moment I stopped using Instagram I felt I was born again. It was one of the best things in my life. Yet, due to boringness, I was back to Insta and now the chaos is on it again.
Well I dont fuckin care anymore, all things I did, all the hope I have. I’m just gonna what can I do, give my 100% and I dont fuckin care with the result, I might be zero, so what can I do about it? Yes, try again until my last breath. Because that is the only thing I can do.
